View Apocalypse, Sadly, Averted

No sooner had Rosie O'Donnell been named to replace Meredith Vieira on The View then we started licking our chops in anticipation of the showdown: Rosie vs. Star Jones Reynolds, whose almost-instantaneous weight loss these past few months Rosie had charged publicly was the result of secret gastric-bypass surgery. We started counting the days until Rosie pressed her wit and weight advantages against Reynolds, and until the nigh-unrecognizable Reynolds marshaled her skills as a former prosecutor to marshal a defense. (Illness? Running a marathon a day? Secretly having been replaced by a skinny animatronic robot?)

Alas, it was not to be. Today Reynolds issued the following statement:

“I’ve spent an amazing nine years as a part of 'The View' family, and they have been the most professionally and personally rewarding years of my life.  Through it all, I have appreciated the support of my family, my friends and most importantly the viewers, and I am incredibly grateful for all of the love that has been shown to me.  'The View' is now moving in a new direction, and I will not be returning this fall – but, wherever I go, I will carry a lifetime of memories with me. Thank you all so much for your invaluable love and support.”

Not sure who "you all" refers to, but if you're one of them, have yourself a big old sandwich today in Star's honor.