My Cat's Breath Smells Like Cat Food--Right After Your Local Weather!

NBC is reportedly planning to make the Today show run for four hours. Four. 240 minutes. I am deeply disturbed by this, not because I am a particular fan of Passions, which the double-super-sized morning show will supersede, but because the move threatens to break physical laws.

Let me explain: By the usual pattern, each hour of a network morning show grows gradually and irreversibly dumber. Hour 1: Cabinet-secretary interview. Hour 2: Celebrity-baby interview. Hour 3: Name-Your-Baby-After-Matt-Lauer contest. Under the current rules of television, which I believe are enforceable by the FCC, NBC will have to come up with an hour of television that is even dumber than the third hour of the Today show. I'm not sure even Ann Curry is up to that, folks.

So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new host of hour 4 of The Today Show: