How to Fix the Oscars (Yeah, Right)
The premise of this post is flawed. Because it's pretty clear that the Academy doesn't want to fix the Oscars, isn't it? It wants them to run for three hours and 52 minutes. It wants them to be dull and self-indulgent. And it wants you to shut up and sit there and remember how much you love the movies, dammit, before rushing out the next day and paying $27.50 or whatever they charge for a ticket nowadays to see one of the winning pictures.
But let's pretend, shall we? After all, the how-to-fix-Oscar postmortem is as hallowed a tradition as the death reel and the ceremonial waxing of Jack Nicholson's forehead. Herewith, a few lessons to take (or not) from last night's fiasco:
1. Yes, It's About You. But It's Not For You. This is really the rule from which all others follow. All the crap about Oscar night being "a celebration of people who make movie magic" goes out the window when you claim a night of network primetime. What the Academy wants to celebrate, or what makes the crowd of movie folk feel stroked is irrelevant. No one at home wants to hear the President of the Academy speak about anything. We don't like the clip reels. And when you're getting played off in mid-speech? We're cheering for the orchestra.
2. Don't Try to Make People Love the Movies. Try to Make People Like the Movies. Too much of the Oscar show, from the speeches to the honorary awards to the clip reels, is shot through a rose-colored lens, full of corny sentiments about how the movies express our deepest emotions and reveal the human struggle and chronicle the history of our nation and world. This probably appeals to movie-industry people, and probably Leonard Maltin, but to the folks at home it just makes the movies seem incredibly boring. You want to make a better world? Just make sure Spiderman 3 doesn't suck, and let us worry about the rest.
3. Stop Telling Us How Wonderful You Are. There was an especially high sanctimony quotient at this year's Oscars because of the award parade for Al Gore, but there seems to be a recurring belief that people will see more movies if they just realized how caring, generous, humanitarian, committed this group of people is, as they sit wearing enough jewelry to erase Africa's debt. The crowing about the "green" Oscars, the humanitarian awards--you must have to do a lot of yoga to pat yourself on the back that well.
4. It's Not the Tonys. Seriously, dudes--Pilobolus? What, was Mummenschanz already booked?
5. Fewer Oscars in the Oscars. I joked about this in the liveblog last night, but what Oscar really probably needs is a radical Oscar-ectomy. In the digital-cable era, fewer and fewer people are willing to sit through two hours of filler to get to the awards they actually care about. For the art directors, sound editors and so forth--hey, I'm sure there's a wonderful home on E! network or something. Should people care about the hard-working professionals who make the movies possible? Sure. They should also care about African wars that don't involve Leonardo DiCaprio. What are you gonna do?
In the end, if the Academy wants to save the Oscars, it needs to rid itself of every scrap of sentimentality and coldly, soullessly do whatever it needs to do to produce an entertaining product that will please the masses. That shouldn't be so hard to do. Just pretend it's a movie.
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1
1. Make it Pay Per Speech only (they pay us foolish viewers).
2. Then...
FLASH, THIS JUST IN: MORE FINDS FROM THE JESUS MINI-STORAGE!
- Baby carrier backpack with Herod's of Judea logo.
- SURVIVOR: RED SEA special anniversary DVD.
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- Our Summer Vacation In Galilee family scrapbook.
- Stylin' Caesar Soap-on-a-Rope and Herbal Crown Conditioner holiday gift set.
- Unopened loaf of Wonder Bread. Still fresh.
- Christians versus lions theme travel chess game.
- Gross of mixed size IMPEACH CLEOPATRA t-shirts.
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- Stack of printed internet news stories about former Edwards campaign cafeteria Catholic bloggers.
- Two ticket stubs from August 1, 0027 Rolling Stones concert.
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2
Glad to see Swampland's resident Troll came to enjoy the lighter side of things...And dude...shouldn't you be posting on the Middle East Blog? They aren't even advertising the miniseries yet!
I think they should have subtitled them.
The 79th Oscars:
Please Run for President Al Gore! PUH-LEASE! Pretty Please? -
3
Get Conan O'Brien to host. Or Jerry Seinfeld, I liked his segment.
I didn't think Ellen was a very good host.
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Don't watch it; won't watch it! The Media driven meglomania.. I love myself therefore everyone else should love me too is disgusting! How many Awards can we come up with to generate more money, more ad-nauseum! Only people who tune in can blame themselves for co-dependency! Sick.. Sick!
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Addendum: Gore who invented the internet also invented a new life for himself in Hoolywood,(no misspell) and Global Warming Scenario: If we get hit with a massive snowstorm: Global Warming. A tornado: Global Warning. Greenland is named because it wasn't an Iceland... It use to be green lands when we didn't have autos and factories.. What caused that Ice Age. We are in a regression of an Ice Age. Our lives didn't begin in 1950... What about the Arid Mid West; was that caused by Gores' Global Warning Scenario? What happened to 2006 Hurricane Scenerio? Oh I am sure Al has a theory that doesn't mix with his 2005 scenario.
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It really is too painful to sit through. There is no hope. I gave up watching the Oscars close to thirty years ago -- I'm only 45! I am completely satisfied with just reading about the results the next day -- A quick summary at that.
If networks, and more importantly, their advertisers, believe they can still make money on broadcasting this crap -- that's their problem.
Fix it. Don't fix it. Who cares?
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7
Major flaw here. The Oscars weren't created as an entertainment for the masses. The Oscars were around for many, many years before the broadcast networks came to the Academy and asked them to air the program. I don't see why the Oscars should change from being an industry awards show, simply because some malcontents don't care what an Art Director does. If you only want to see the "major" awards, then tune in for the final hour. Dare I say it: the Oscars aren't about you. It's about the industry saluting the industry. Always has been. Always should be.
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Concerning the last paragraph in your blog on last night's Academy Awards broadcast -- I hate to say this, but I doubt that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences will give any thought to your somewhat radical idea about improving the Oscars ceremony by removing all traces of sentimentality. (But then, consider yourself lucky that this idea doesn't land you in a padded cell, complete with strait jacket.)
P.S.: I didn't watch the Oscars ceremony last night -- but then, I didn't see all of last year's Oscar-nominated and Oscar-winning films (with the exception of Disney/Pixar's CARS).
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9
Why is everybody so bloody exercised about Pilobolus? All of the tableaux put together took up about 75 seconds of air time. Yeesh.
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10
Oh for God's sake, change the channel if you don't like it! The Academy is perfectly free to make the show whatever they want and the public is free to watch or not. They've been doing this song and dance for 79 years, most of them without TV broadcasts. Some of us happen to like the clip shows and why are you whining about the dance stuff? Yes it was kinda lame but it was also blessedly short. There are LOTS of other shows on tv. I'm sure you could have found a Hee Haw rerun that would have been just your style.
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11
Be careful what you wish for. One of the best things about the ceremony is that it's become iconic. Yeah, there was one or two too many montages, but if the thing got an overhaul, it would turn off every potential viewer, including all those wannabe David Lettermans who include mocking the loveable, comfortable flaws ("It's so long!" "I don't care who those people thank!") the next day as part of the ritual.
By the way, it's pretty hilarious that the people who mock movie stars for self-aggrandizement are the same ones who roll their eyes at the technical awards and want these nobodies off their TV screens.
Also, seriously, what is this insanity about Pilobolus? Is it just a "I hate all things arty!" thing, or am I and my friends REALLY all alone in that we had big, natural smiles on our faces when we saw those people turn into penguins or make the SoaP logo?
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Both Poniewozik and Zoglin are incredibly out of touch with the rest of the American viewership. Snarky and jaded is so 2003. Like others have said, if you don't like it, tune it out. I know I'll be doing that for future columns by these two. Your Grade: F
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And just an interesting little factoid, the rating were actully UP this year.
Again, if you don't like it, please, do us all a favor and don't watch. I'm sure there are a few more technical glitches in this week's LOST to blog about.
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If you want to see how the Oscars are perceived overseas then go view the French 'Le Grand Journal' website. This is an entertainment program ( much like our E channel) on France's largest cable channel, Canal+. They view the Oscars as a BIG deal. Winning an Oscar to them is like winning an Olympic Gold medal. It is a source of national pride and joy. Even members of the governments weigh in on the results !! And this is true in all European and Asian countries. It is only here that we have become jaded. Why? Because we are tired of seeing the Oscars being used as a poltical soapbox. The public does not want to see highly paid celebs trashing our country. By the way, you will never see that happen in a European awards ceremony, least of all in France.
We want to see enthusiasm. The joy of victory. Go look at pictures of the enthusiastic Oscar winners like Day-Lewis and Cottiard. Notice the smiles on the faces of the people standing in the background. They are beaming because the winners are beaming. That makes us all happy. Do we want to see frowns ?? It has nothing to do with celebs being out of touch with the needs of the 'common man'. These are entertainers. I dont require them to be in touch with my needs. If I want someone to 'feel my pain' Ill write my Congressman. During the Great Depression ( not unlike now), the people flocked to the Oscar ceremonies in movie theatres. This was our escape. The celebs back then were just as rich, just as well dressed and made up as now. We didnt hold that against them. On the contrary it gave us hope. The enthusiasm made us happy and was contagious. It helped drive away the fear. But if instead they had behaved the way celebs do today and turned the Oscars into just another forum for political expositions then how would it have been any different than anything else? No one would have paid attention to the Oscars.
So, lets do what the Europeans do. Make the Oscars a BIG deal with all the splash and glamour and prestige it should have. The more the better. Keep the Oscars the world benchmark ( and the award that all countries aspire to win) of film awards.
- poniewozik Loved the season. Mrs Tuned In wd have put u on the main list RT @boredtodeath Thank u for incl us in Time's Top 10. We'll take hon mention. - 2 hours ago
- poniewozik @carr2n Virgin is the best, LAX-JFK - 3 hours ago
- poniewozik Did NPR interview abt multiscreen multitasking. After, automatically reached for iPhone in pocket. Like don draper wd have for cigarettes. - 4 hours ago
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