Last year's Fox upfront was memorable. Not in a good way. Held at the Armory in New York, it ran two and a half hours, and the jury-rigged air-conditioning couldn't begin to cool the sweltering cave-like room. It was a grisly, bloody-Antietam of a show, and many of the advertising executives--the people these galas are meant to court--left pissed. (From my notes last year: "the crowd is getting surly... ppl are taking off their jackets, walking out... Simon Cowell: 'This is the most bored audience I've ever seen,' crowd applauds...")

This year, seemingly in reaction, the networks seem to be competing to see who can have the shortest upfront show. Gone are the endless cattle calls of every show's cast, news departments, sports departments, ad-sales-department skits. NBC clocked in at an hour and a half; ABC about the same; CBS a sprightly hour-and-a-quarter.

Well, somebody at the Manhattan City Center was kind enough to spring for free wi-fi, so that'll allow me to liveblog the show--and see if it stays on schedule. (It better. My battery is at 84%) We'll start the clock on Fox... now!

3:53 p.m.: OK, the show doesn't officially start for seven minutes, so this doesn't count. But in its pre-show stage graphics, Fox is bragging about the green-ness of the upfront. The flights to New York were offset by carbon credits, the power is being provided by biodiesel (I knew I smelled french fries!) and the invitations were... e-mailed.

3:59: Fox has things to brag about this year, and it's letting us know. #1 in 18 to 49. #2 in total viewers. Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? is the top new reality show "in key demos." Do you know what a key demo is? Ask a 5th grader.

4:00: Clock started. Lights dimmed. 80% battery power. The wi-fi connection is getting spotty. I blame the damn biodiesel.

4:03 A 24 parody, with Fox pres Peter Liguori talking to Kiefer Sutherland. Kief says to keep the speeches short. "Mr. President--you're on the clock!" A title says: "The following takes place between 4 p.m. and 5 p.m." The crowd goes nuts.

4:07: Nonetheless, the network is still finding the time for the traditional parade across the stage of nearly every star of every Fox show. Peter Liguori, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!

4:12: Fox sales chief Jon Nesvig is monologuing about the next year's broadcast of Super Bowl, that will apparently enable "brand-building advertising that gets funneled down to a personal level." Did you know you can use free wi-fi to check your email?

4:18: Liguori says he's glad to be back in the "friendly confines" of the City Center. He's telling the advertisers Fox is planning to address its "fourth quarter" problems, which is not a Super Bowl reference, but advert-ese for "Nobody watches Fox before January."

4:23: Liguori starts introducing clips of new shows. He says that this year, Fox will only air shows they think are really good. No, he actually said that. BACK 2 YOU has Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton as feuding newscasters. Like last year's 'Til Death, it seems like a generic concept for the home of the edgy sitcom. Grammer plays a pompous, self-important broadcaster, because, you know, he left Frasier so he could stretch.

4:25: THE RETURN OF JEZEBEL JAMES. Parker Posey! Lauren Ambrose! Amy Sherman-Palladino! The Gilmore Girls creator pairs the indie actresses in a sitcom as sisters, one of whom (Posey) is the maternal one in the relationship. That may be about to change, though, as she wants sis to be a surrogate mom for her. ("Like an incubator?" "An incubator with Tivo.") It's hard to tell from clips if a sitcom will be good, but Sherman-Palladino's fast dialogue translates well to the sitcom form.

4:29: SPOILER ALERT! In the Farrelly brothers sitcom THE RULES FOR STARTING OVER, one of the co-stars is Rashida Jones, Karen from The Office. Jam fans take note. Four friends looking for love; monkey and prostate jokes.

4:31: Of course, if the show is canceled, she could be back on her old show faster than you can say Kim Raver. So, Jam fans take note.

4:32: THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND, from the producers of American Idol, is about--well, I didn't type that big-ass title for nothing, did I?

4:34: NASHVILLE has nothing to do with Robert Altman, but the show--following aspiring country singers pursuing their careers in the country capital--is from the producers of Laguna Beach, who know their way around a real-life dramedy.

4:38: Gordon Ramsay of Hell's Kitchen finds new and exciting people to yell at in KITCHEN NIGHTMARES. ("I have never, ever met anyone I believe in... as little as you.")

4:40: K-VILLE, a cop drama set in post-Katrina New Orleans, where in real life the police force was decimated after the disaster. Anthony Anderson, so awesome as a villain on The Shield, wears the badge here. Liguori says it's the kind of show that he used to do when he ran FX, although the trailer seems to be injected with some big-network uplift.

4:44: In NEW AMSTERDAM, a cop, whose last name is Amsterdam (a trend we need to stop, now) turns out to be immortal, and has policed New York City since the 17th century. If only he had bought real estate early. The second immortal cop we've seen this upfront, and the umpteenth character with supernatural abilities or circumstances. What does it say about all of us? That a lot of people watched Heroes last year.

4:49: Liguori continues to raid FX talent with CANTERBURY'S LAW, produced by Denis Leary of Rescue Me. Julianna Marguilies plays a tough, bullying attorney. "How far will she go in the name of justice?" asks the trailer. Perhaps to more or less the same place as Glenn Close in FX's Damages this summer, it looks like.

4:52: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES continues the story of the fugitive heroine from Terminator 2, but, say Liguori, it's really the story of a single mom trying to take care of her family. Yes, and I'm sure that's exactly the reason they picked the show up. Lots of SFX--yes, we do see a metal-skinned robot in the trailer --and plenty moody-looking. Best casting: Firefly's Summer Glau as an action heroine.

4:59: From the giant TV screen overhead, Jack Bauer calls Peter Liguori back on his cellie. "Congratulations, Mr. President, you've done it!" Can it be? Yes--Fox takes the title, sends the advertisers off to the after -party, and leaves me with 57% left on my laptop battery. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of the 2007-08 upfronts!

To get into the CW upfront at Madison Square Garden, you walk through the "trend bar," where waiters stand around with heaping trays of mini muffins and giant, CW-green-and-white posters announce the trends that the hip CW advertiser should be aware of. Not surprisingly, they are pretty much entirely about social technology and the environment. In the future, everybody will be trading carbon offsets on MySpace.

Speaking of recycling, CW used the stars of its newest reality hit as onstage entertainment, as the Pussycat Dolls kicked off the show performing with their newest member, courtesy of The Search for the Next Doll. (What do they do next season, when the show returns and they pick yet another? Kick out the one with the highest percentage of body fat?) The gyrating Dolls invite the "girls" in the executive audience to sing along. Don't cha wish your media buyer was a freak like me?

Last year, the brand-new merged CW network announced only a couple of new shows. This year, on a stage flanked by oblong glowing video displays that look like iPhones, CW entertainment president Dawn Ostroff announced several. Let's get it out of the way: Veronica Mars was one of the shows dumped to make room. And you can flame me for it, but I'm sad but not outraged. I'd rather see Veronica on air than One Tree Hill, or Pussycat Dolls Present, or pretty much anything on the CW--but it had its chance. (Not an ideal chance, but come on, what low-rated, quirky series does?) I loved VM its first season; I liked it its second and third; but I can't say it was robbed.

So go ahead and jump me in the comments: I'm glad to provide an outlet. Now, on to the new shows:

GOSSIP GIRL: Josh Schwartz (The O.C.) gets his second new show of the season with this adaptation of the chick-lit series about a Manhattan tabloid website entrepreneur. She refers to herself in the third person a lot, which Tuned In would never do. Looks very soapy, very envy-licious, very CW-appropriate, though I don't sense The O.C.'s sense of humor from the trailer. Could it be the Central Park West of the 21st century?

CW NOW: "The ultimate source for current trends," this looks to be the celebrity / pop culture noozemag for 18-to-34s who want something a little less intellectual than Access Hollywood. Also, from the marketing head's presentation, it will basically be full of product placements. Yay!

ONLINE NATION: A weekly half-hour collection of the latest viral videos. Despite the stupid name (actually, maybe I should make sure TIME never used it as a cover-story title before I say that), this I'd actually watch. But then I'm 38, so I don't know if that's a good sign for the CW. Does the demo need a dinosaur-era TV show to find their videos?

LIFE IS WILD: This drama is shot entirely in Africa, which makes me think it should perhaps be called, Overseas Production Is Dirt Cheap. A family series in which a widowed and remarried dad moves his troubled family to South Africa. There's bonding, emotional uplift and lots of wildebeest.

FARMER WANTS A WIFE: Reality show. Exactly what you think.

CROWNED: Reality show about a mother-daughter beauty pageant. The Amazing Race with tiaras and self-tanner? Adults desperately latching on to their nubile daughters' youth? I am so totally watching this.

ALIENS IN AMERICA: A "fish out of water" sitcom about an outcast teen whose mother imports a Pakistani exchange student to befriend him. Definitely a bit creepy, probably offensive, but the funniest sitcom trailer I've seen all week. Also, the trailer uses Belle and Sebastian's The Blues Are Still Blue, so bonus points.

REAPER: A 21-year-old discovers that, before he was born, his parents sold his soul to the devil. On his birthday, the Devil comes to collect, recruiting him as a bounty hunter, bringing escaped souls back to Hell. I'm not saying this is the next Buffy, but the series (co-produced by Kevin Smith) looks like the kind of funny, whimsical drama the WB/UPN/CW hasn't done since... oh, right, Veronica Mars. Sorry to have to remind you.

SPOILER ALERT: This post contains spoilers about Lost. Not necessarily the spoiler you're thinking of. Which I guess may be a spoiler in itself. Sorry.

ABC / MARIO PEREZ

Damn you, Lost. Damn you for making me cry. Damn you for making me cry about Charlie. Damn you for making me cry about Charlie, and then not killing him.

Seriously, I have to give props to the Charlie non-dying episode for its predictability and its subversion of that predictability. I mean, when you saw the first list item Charlie wrote, you knew where this was going, right? Five flashback scenes, five moments in his life, culminating with his meeting Claire, which (I thought) would be intercut with scenes of Charlie swimming underwater, entering the Looking Glass, finding the yellow light and switch, flipping it off and then floating lifeless in the sea. It was entirely set up and expected, and for the 58 minutes that the show actually went on that track, I didn't care: I really felt for this character who had annoyed me for three years, and was truly moved by his Sydney Carton-like decision to do a Far, Far Better Thing with the last moments of his life, even if it was totally unsurprising, even if it was, literally, psychically foretold. (And calling the list his "greatest hits." Totally corny, and yet totally awwwww, sniff.)

And then when it didn't happen, when the show reminded you that this is Lost after all and Charlie found himself captured by the two foxy-looking guardians of The Looking Glass, that worked too. Of course The Looking Glass wasn't really flooded. My tipoff should have been when Juliet said that Ben told the Others that it was.

So: are we setting up storylines for next season here? I'm guessing that the Fox Force Two who have Charlie at gunpoint aren't Others, or at least not Others under Ben's command, you think? Could they be surviving Dharma? An Other splinter group? (They looked too young for either one to be Ben's childhood girlfriend, right? Scratch that--maybe they're the two chicks from the hotel in Helsinki!)

I have no inside knowledge, but my money's on the guess that Charlie dies anyway, exactly as Desmond foretold--switch, drowning, saving Claire--but later, not unlike when the producers "saved" Libby from Michael's shooting only to have her expire anyway in the next episode. It makes sense, as a way to take a death you foretold all season and still manage to make it surprising when it comes. Maybe not. Charlie did emerge from that water into the air to take a breath, which, in the Joseph Campbell mythology that the Lostians are so fond of, means rebirth and a second chance. But since in the history of Lost achieving your character's goal = death, I'm sticking with my prediction.

Stop! Bullet time!

* Why did Rousseau need to blow up a tree? Wouldn't you say showing the sticks of dynamite would be sufficient proof of their dynamitability, given that the survivors already used them to blow the hatch? I suspect that the scene existed solely to allow last week's preview clips to show something blowing up, since--I am guessing from this week's preview clips of the finale--the Losties will be stymied from actually setting off the tent bombs. (I'm thinking the standard Others-get-the-drop-on-them-from-behind-the-bushes scenario, no?)

* Anyone can get a comic relief line on Lost. Loved the exchange between Deadeye Bernard and Sayid. ("You want me to hit another one?" "No, you've made your point.") Even Juliet got to be funny. ("They know, Karl. But thanks.")

* Sayid asks Jack whether he cares more about killing Others than escaping. I'm thinking the answer is yes and we learn the reason next week.

* So Charlie saves Nadia from the mugger--I'm guessing sometime in the mid-to-late '90s, since he was busking "Wonderwall." Does this mean Sayid may be wrong that she's dead, or will we later learn how he knows that he's right? I'm shaky on her timeline.

* Mmmm rabbit.

Finally, let's bow our heads for Chaddogg's Charlie's-an-Other theory, which, even if it didn't pan out, was far more cool-ass than anything I've ever been able to theorize about this show, and will always be true in the alternate-version of Lost in my mind. Consider it one of Lostwatch's greatest hits.